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Narrative
We love you Jerry Seinfeld

We love you Jerry Seinfeld

context for this post: http://youtu.be/ZB39jT0qq3Y

Science is ruining my life.

I came to this conclusion the same way I rationale all my life philosophies: partially drunk and alone in my bed, unable to sleep at three in the morning. Three a.m. is a majestic time because I’m not as inebriated as the hours prior and the sheer exhaustion makes for some unique brain connectivity.

I almost always insist on fighting the tired and getting some work done, but have found in the past that my work at this hour is, at best, a piece of shit. No, that is a lie. In order to be a piece of shit, something must actually be produced. I guess my work at this hour is best described as constipation: staring vacantly, praying something will come from my noble, yet squeezed efforts. Alas, nothing ever does.

Nowadays, I try to restrict my activities at this weird time, as to not waste efforts. So, at three a.m., when I am partially drunk and have to get up for class in less than 4 hours, I either masturbate or watch some stand-up comedy. 

This particular evening, I indulged in the latter. Perhaps both–I cannot recall. This time I watched Jerry Seinfeld because I wanted to watch someone Jewish and had seen the one with Joan Rivers  on Netflix so many times.

And, man, was it funny! I mean, it’s Jerry fucking Seinfeld! When you hear the name “Seinfeld” you think of a sick bass line and laughing your ass off. Like, he sets the bar super fucking high for comedians. Anyway, his set was amazing…until this one bit.

If you have yet to watch the video linked above–check it out, ‘cause shit’s about to get sciencey.

Although this bit is conventionally hilarious, I couldn’t help but think, “Ugh. That is not scientifically correct! Seinfeld obviously doesn’t know about triploidy!”

I was upset at this point. Not for Seinfeld’s scientific illiteracy; but I felt like my education robbed my experience of laughing at this joke. Like, if I wasn’t forced to take genetics and know this is a naturally occurring phenomena–I would have been so much happier in that moment.

And that’s when it hit me–science is ruining my life. What is seen cannot be unseen. By no means am I saying I am smarter than a non-sciencey person. Just because I know fruit can sometimes be seedless and it has a six-syllabled word–stenospermocarpy–doesn’t mean I am any better than Jerry Seinfeld. I’m just aware of this particular genetic fuck up that results in an extra set of genes inhibiting the production of mature seeds.

But this “knowledge” does nothing but leave me feeling vacant, inconclusive, lethargic, and whatever other adjectives thesarus.com can spit out at me.

It’s hard to get along with science. It could just be a rough patch in me and Science’s relationship, or maybe it’s not meant to be. Maybe this satisfaction I am craving is hidden somewhere else.

Seinfeld, scientists weren’t working in labs for years developing seedless technology. And that’s okay. Because at the end of the day, you’ve made millions of people laugh billions of times. And that’s what matters the most. To me, anyway.

Caitlin

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